Fact: I wish I was a trained pianist

It's true. Ever since I caught my eye on my cousin's shiny, maple-colored Baldwin piano when I visited her in '97(I was three years old), I longed to have lessons. And to this day, I still do. During my freshman year of high school, I taught myself to play but, because of my minimal access to the piano(I had none) I practiced infrequently. On top of that, I never had the proper training. Therefore, I am just an inaccurate amateur pianist(I don't even deserve to be called that).
Each year, I try my hardest to suppress my desire to play but whenever I watch an underclassmen play so beautifully and skillfully, I was a little jealous and I wanted to play even more.
But what can I do without resources, right? Nothing, really.

So, here it is. Every time I watch a friend of mine play(or even those talented YouTube stars), I get a little sad because there is no hope for me. There is not a chance in the world that I would ever be a piano prodigy.

Self-Evaluation: This Year is Bipolar

Senior year of high school has been a roller coaster of an adventure lately. I began applying to colleges and I thought I would feel somewhat elated but no, I just feel more and more frustrated and anxious. As a seventeen year old getting ready to face the cold, cruel world I feel unprepared. I do not know what is going to happen in the next couple of months; whether I will get accepted to a university or not.
I want everyone to be proud of me but, even now, I am not sure which college best suit me. My interests tends more towards Brown, Yale, and Arcadia. However, that goes beyond my limitations. To be able to feel that I know what I'm doing would be a great comfort yet I feel so lost. Everywhere I turn there is always a game of tug of war. Influences, good and bad, are everywhere.
But, this I know:
I am not good enough.
Straight A's and a perfect GPA will not go far.
What is a mere honor roll when there are other prestigious awards?
Having rank 7 does not compare to being Valedictorian or the first three.
Plus, I cannot think outside of the box.
And I am not creative enough.